Thursday, March 18, 2010

My Grief

I have been sitting here for hours trying to write this. About two weeks ago, I felt that our baby's life wasn't going to be as full as I wanted it to be and a week after getting that feeling, a miscarriage was diagnosed. Now, another week later, I'm trying to put into words what I've been going through and what I have learned from this pain.

Without getting into the gruesome details, after three consecutive ultrasounds showing only an empty sac, our doctor gave us the bad news. He said the baby had probably only made it to about week 4 or 5. After several failed attempts with medicine to induce my body to miscarry, I was scheduled for a surgical procedure to take care of it. Then, the night before the surgery, my body decided it was time and the process occurred naturally.

Now that you know what happened, I want to answer what you're probably wondering - how I'm feeling about it all. Sure this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. A tiny life Jonathan and I created and wanted so badly was taken away before it was given a chance. I'll never know who my second child was or what he would have done if granted the gift of a longer life. With that being said, I do not blame myself. I do not blame my body. I do not blame my child. As hard as it is to accept, I know this was meant to happen. Knowing that does not take any pain away from me or make this loss easier to accept, but I am at peace with it. I can feel the love from this child washing over me constantly and that makes me proud. As much as I would have loved to meet this baby, he's where he belongs, and as I said, I am at peace with that.

That being said, Jonathan and I are ready to start trying to create a third life when it's time. This is not to replace the child we lost, but to conceive another, one who will hopefully be given a better chance at a successful, happy life. Nathan deserves a brother or sister and Jonathan and I deserve a baby we can hold in our arms. That in no way means we will ever forget this little life that graced us for such a short period of time. Instead, this experience has actually taught me a very important lesson about life - it is so precious. I am now even more grateful for my sweet Nathan and all the other children in my life (especially a sweet little girl who will greet the world this summer). I realize now how rare and beautiful it is to give birth to a healthy, happy child, and I thank God even more that we were able to do that. Hug your babies and appreciate the opportunity you were able to give them. Hopefully before too much longer, my family will be able to know this feeling once again.

Anyway, I am sorry this post probably took up the entire blog (and without the use of adorable Nathan pictures), but these words needed to be said. No, I may not be willing to say all of these words to your face, but maybe you needed to hear them and I definitely needed to write them. I also want to say never before have I felt such prayers, support, and love from family and friends. I feel so lifted up by not only my tiny angel in heaven, but by all of you. I thank you for that. I may not have returned all of your phone calls and emails, but know you made an impact on me. And that I am okay, both physically and emotionally. I love you all. Thank you.

Love,
Jessica

1 comment:

Tiffany Moore said...

Thinking of you and your family Jessica!