Saturday, May 29, 2010

Remembering an Angel

As much as I wish every post I write could be about easy things like Nathan's latest antics or my awesome zucchini plants, some subjects don't come as easily. Although I refuse to forget about my angel, it still takes a while to come up with the right words. Pictured above is a necklace I received from the boys for Mother's Day. It features my baby's due date birth stone (October) and the birth stone for the month she died (March). I wear it proudly to remind myself and others that I am still a mother of two. However, as much happiness as this brings me, I am still grieving.

I'm sad that I'm not pregnant anymore, I'm sad that Nathan doesn't have a sibling, and I'm sad that I'm focused on conceiving after doing so just a few short months ago. Most of all, though, I'm sad that her memory is fading. I talk to her constantly when I'm alone and I can feel her presence everywhere. To me, she is the wind, the sky, the trees, the flowers. Everything. My biggest fear is that no one else sees her this way.

As I was reading some entries in a support group I belong to, I came across this list of the Top 20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember. If you want to read the entire list, click HERE. I also thought I would post a few of the ones that touched me. This is not directed toward anyone and not meant to say I don't feel loved, these are simply things I don't think people realize unless they've been in the same unfortunate situation.
  • I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten her and that you do care and understand.

  • I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.

  • I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

  • I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
Thank you for listening and thank you all for being there for me. I am working on feeling better every day and hopefully it won't be too much longer before there is another miracle in our lives. I know when that time comes, he or she is going to have one heck of a guardian angel. :) And remember, you do, too.

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