Sunday, October 10, 2010

Bittersweet Due Date



As great as my life is going at this point in 2010, it's hard not to look back and remember the heartbreak we went through while dealing with the loss of a pregnancy in March. I'm doing quite a bit of remembering today as the magical date 10-10-10 was the due date I was given after a positive pregnancy test Feb. 3. However, on March 10 - seven months to the date - my doctor diagnosed a miscarriage when he could not find a growing baby on the ultrasound. Today I am sad that I don't have a newborn to love, to protect, to raise. She should be in my arms today, not on my mind. It still hurts when I think about the fact that I wasn't able to save the life of someone so innocent. Seven months ago, I learned the hard way that life is just not fair. However, when I remember the pain of what happened, I can't help but smile when I feel little kicks from the inside.

No, I am not 40 weeks pregnant today, but I did reach my 19-week mark yesterday. I reached 19 weeks with a little heirloom tomato-sized baby who reminds me of his or her life every day. Each time I start to worry, my baby reassures me that life is growing and blossoming inside me. This baby doesn't replace the angel we lost, but this pregnancy proves that I am still capable of producing beautiful life. On the same note, thinking about the baby who slipped away before we had a chance to meet proves how precious and fleeting life can be. Watching my due date come and go with nothing to show for it makes me sad, but it also makes me count my blessings more often, appreciate life stronger, and love harder. I thank the Lord that I do have the ability to have children and I pray for those who struggle with it. I miss that baby more than I can describe, but for someone I never met, she taught me more about life than anyone else ever could. I miss you, sweet baby, but I'm glad you're home and I'm glad you were in my life, even if it was only for a few weeks.

(Ahem) Now, get a tissue. :) And make sure you tell everyone you know whose lives have been rocked by miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss that you love them and are always there for them. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and on Oct. 15 (this Friday), people around the world are lighting candles in honor of all the little angels who have changed their families' lives forever. More information on this Wave of Light can be found HERE. I will light a candle not only in honor of my angel, but in honor of everyone who helped me find the strength to carry on. Thanks to all of you for being there for my family, for me, and for my sweet angel.

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