Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Mom Speak

Let me set the scene. You're a new mom. Your precious bundle was placed into your arms mere minutes ago. A new life, fresh and pink.

It's at this exact moment, when you look down at those staring eyes and squishy cheeks, that you begin your heartwarming vow of nurturing care, tender encouragement, and soft words. You'll never take a second for granted and repeat any of the harsh parenting that may or may not have hurtled your way at some point in your life.

You, my friend will ooze patience. You will be the most loving mama ever.

Then, you blink and your kid grows up. And you find yourself slipping into places you never imagined. I, Jessica, am that mama.

This afternoon I was nestled into our over-sized recliner, focusing on the soft kicks that were coming from within, when I heard a hair-raising pair of screams from the back of the house. I didn't miss a beat and let loose a classic mom phrase at the top of my lungs. I sank back into my chair in horror. My precious time with the one child who has yet to drive me crazy was taken by a moment of total "mom-ness." And I couldn't help but laugh.

What in the world did I just say?

It's ridiculous how easy it is to slip into mom mode, yet it is perfectly acceptable (if you're living life according to my opinions, that is). The original scenario is probably something every mom can relate to, followed directly by its epic fail. It's human nature, y'all.

It is 100% natural to turn into a ranting, raving sitcom mom when a block is thrown at a head one too many times or "Call Me Maybe" gets an octave higher on its seventh run.

It's okay to channel your mom when you walk into a room covered in Capri Sun because your oldest wanted to know if something bad would really happen if you blow it up and stomp on it.

It's okay to lose your cool on that 36th repetition of your child-given name.

I've caught myself tossing around a few gems lately and I couldn't help but put myself out there in hopes that someone (anyone?) could relate. Please, allow me to share a few classic phrases that I've let slip out of my mouth once or twice since my perfect cherubs morphed into regular kids.


  • "Do you really need me to give you something to cry about?"
  • "Nobody tells on anybody unless someone is bleeding."
  • "Do you talk to your teacher like that??"
  • "You GET back in here before I GET you back in here."
  • "Because I'm the MOM and I SAID SO."

If any mamas out there can raise your hand and tell me you haven't uttered anything similar to the above, let me give you a gold star and beg you for a lesson in patience and mouth control.

As for the rest of you, I hope you know it's okay to get angry and overwhelmed sometimes. It comes with the territory. As long as your kid knows he is loved and he knows that parents can make mistakes, too, you will not mess him up. I will be sure to let you know if I ever find that statement false.

This mama thing isn't always easy, but it is a lot easier to handle when you realize there is no such thing as normal, there is no such thing as right, and there is always room to laugh. And more often than not the best source of entertainment is yourself.

Now, have a fantastic Tuesday BEFORE I PULL THIS CAR OVER. :)

EDIT: A few minutes after I hit the publish button, the kid who has heard five years of this mama's nagging stopped mid-supper to share the following: "I sure like being your kid. Don't you like being my mom?" Yes, Nathan, I do. See? I haven't messed him up too much.


Anita Stafford said...

Great post! With your sense of humor I think you'll make it!

Debbie said...

Just too funny and oh so familiar!

Jessica Bauer said...

Haha, thanks, mamas! Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. ;)