Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Two Letters {Part Two}

{In honor of Owen's second birthday this weekend (sob!), I decided to slow down from busy party planning and take time to write letters to the two babies my family celebrates each March. Part one here.}

If I weren't pregnant right now, this would be confusing. This was taken on February 3, 2010. The tangible proof of my baby in heaven.

Dear Angel,

I can't believe it's been three years since we walked out of my wonderful doctor's office, leaving tears in his eyes and holes in our hearts. You came in the form of a positive pregnancy test in early February and left quickly in the form of an empty gestational sac in March.

I always tell people that the tiniest souls, the smallest people can leave the biggest impacts on our lives. (You know that good and well now that you have a little buddy up there to play with).

My heart will not completely heal from your loss, but you sure taught me to let it grow. It may sound cheesy, but the day you died, my soul awoke. I could hurt worse than ever before, but, baby, I can love harder because of you.

The day you left I took your big brother into my arms and squeezed him tight, praying for much more time than I had with you. I opened my heart to new life and gave birth to your baby brother exactly one year to the day you left. Anybody can call it a coincidence, but I'm pretty sure you are the one who made that connection happen.

Don't worry, I didn't mind the five days overdue thing at all. Promise!

And now, sweet angel, you are going to have a baby sister. Aren't you excited? You probably know her better than I do. Before God sent her down to me, I can picture the two of you laughing and dancing. I'm sad you aren't here to spend a life on Earth with her, but the life we'll all spend together one day will be incredible. And it will be for all of eternity.

It's hard for me to bring up these thoughts and these feelings and to share these words with the friends and family who love me and love you, but I want so badly to remember. I want to remember the heartbreak I experienced three whole years ago because I want to remember just how hard I loved you and just how much I wanted you.

Since you're gone, my life has taken a path that would not have been possible with you here. There is no way to prove this path is better or worse than what could have been, but I love it. It's my life and it's full of the people I love.

Knowing you're watching over us daily makes it that much sweeter.

I miss you, sweet baby, and I will always love you, but I thank you for showing me what true love means. You're where you are supposed to be and one day, I pray I'll be there, too.

"In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life.

Awake my soul...
Awake my soul...
Awake my soul...
For you were made to meet your maker."

- Mumford and Sons "Awake My Soul"

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