Monday, January 27, 2014

Today I Will...



Disclaimer: This is written for me. The "you" refers to both you, the reader, and me, Jessica.
However, if this strikes a chord with you or makes you feel a little better than before you started reading,
then I totally wrote this specifically for you. And I'm glad I could help.

I have been a little overcome by the thoughts rolling around in my brain lately.

I've been thinking about all of life's crap storms that rush in unannounced, completely beyond our control. Not necessarily just in my life, but in the lives of people I love, in the lives of people I don't know, and maybe in your life, too. They bring waves of pain before we've begun to seek shelter. Our power has been stripped away and we are left to clean up the debris, wipe away the tears, and press on through the hands we've been dealt.

I know what you're probably thinking. "Jessica, that is LIFE." It's true, the very meaning {if I may be so bold}, is to carry on with hope for a brighter tomorrow, without even the hint of a promise of waking up. We live, we move forward, we adjust and break and change and grow.

I've been away from this space for a few reasons. One: I have a lot of kids who demand my attention. Two: I don't like to blog for the sake of putting words on the page. I don't like my writing when it's forced and I doubt you would, either. I only want to write when I have something to say. Three: I have lots of things to say, I just don't know how to say them. I started this post a week and a half ago. I wrote a few paragraphs and decided I had no idea where it was going. That's the scary thing about writing, often you have to simply begin to figure out where you will land. As my fingers grace the keyboard and work together to decipher what I'm thinking, I'm giving it a whirl.

I have had a good life. There have been many interruptions to my happiness and battles to fight, but as my 30th birthday draws near, I am proud to say that I am in an amazing place. And I am thankful every day. There are tough times when depression, inadequacy, and self-doubt rear their ugly heads, but I continuously remind myself not to become buried too deep. I have to force one hand above the other until I climb out into a fresh perspective. I have to work to maintain it.

Believe me when I say I am not making a blanket statement that: "Everyone who wants to be happy should just be happy and then they're happy." We both know that's not true. However, there are little choices to make every day that can build. Every person out there has crap in their lives that was not their choice. Most people know what it's like to be let down, or heartbroken, or hurt. For some, the pain is deeper than others, but it's all so real. And none of it is fair. If you are hurting right now, you don't deserve it. You, my friend, deserve a little sunshine in your life. And when a little sunshine is something you can grab onto, don't you dare let it go.

We all have good mornings. Those mornings you wake up and can feel the sunrise from within. {I hope you know what I'm talking about. If not, please disregard me as crazy.} Those mornings you are thankful for the light peeking through the blinds, you are energized from a good night's sleep, and you feel ready to face the day and whatever may come. Stay with that. Keep your joy all day long, and spread it around. On the flip side, if your happiness is something you have to chase, something that darts away at lightning speed, run toward it as fast as you can. You owe it to yourself.

We've all seen the Eleanor Roosevelt quote painted on a canvas or stitched on a sampler: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Although this entire post is an attempt, I don't think I can say it better. There is much in our lives over which we have no control. We must face demons that rise through no fault of our own, but for the times you're presented with a choice, make it count. Make up for all the other crap {record number of craps in a post!} and start the snail's pace journey to rising above. When you are faced with drowning in yesterday's sorrow or reveling in the joy that may come, think about what you want. Every single day could be your last, and you are in charge of how you spend it.

Take control of your happiness, let go of the past, and choose joy.

You may not know where you're going, but at least you're on your way.


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