Wednesday, August 26, 2015

No Good, Very Bad Mother

Do you ever feel like a terrible mom?

Like an honest-to-goodness, they'd-be-better-off-without-you type of failure? I'm just going to pretend you said yes because that'll make me feel better as I move forward. I feel like I've been making more mistakes than normal lately. Whether it's an errant four-letter-word, a blood-boiling marital squabble, or a disinterest in knowing exactly what's new in the latest Minecraft mod, I feel like I should slide my Mother of the Year trophy back under the table from whence it came.

It's not only hard for me to admit this, but to know how to get out from under it. I can see in every one of my children's faces that they are soaking up my every move. Why can't I snap out of it and be the mom they need? While I could fill this page with confessions of hiding chocolate in the medicine cabinet and pretending I don't smell a diaper until Dad gets home, my juiciest admission is that I get it wrong more than I get it right. I'm eight years in and I still don't know what I'm doing. I'm still not selfless enough, I'm not patient enough, and all the numbers in the world can't keep me calm in my time of need.

The one thing I know I have, however, is love. That's literally the only thing I can offer my kids when the life that's swirling around me starts to push back. I make bad decisions, I lose their best interests, but God, do I love them hard. I am so thankful to see the grace they give me. I'm not going to dismiss this feeling with "parenting is hard" because you and I both already know it's true {we've been over it a few times}. This is about the fact that my kids are so cool that even though I mess up, they love me through it.

I hope I'm the one who showed them how to do that.

More often than not, I am far from the mom I want to be, but I am and always will be the mom they need. No matter if it's the fourth Monday of the week or a frolic through the daises, I am the only mom they have. I think I need to look at it that way a little more often.

What do you do when you feel your parenting isn't up to snuff?
Also, have you ever let a dirty diaper lie? Tell the truth!

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1 comment:

Unknown said...

OH friend. There is still a chance that you can do everything PERFECT and they still knock off a liquor store and spend 20 years in maximum security. They are who they are regardless of what you think they should be. I think adaptability and some realistic outlook on reality are the two most useful things a mom can give her kids. Probably even over love. Cuss words and bad days are fleeting. And who gives a rats patooty what anybody else thinks?